The porch railings are done!
You ever have one of those projects that should take like, a day, but all of a sudden it’s been 6 weeks and you’re like, why isn’t this done yet? Where are the Five-Percent Fairies??
Oh, you haven’t heard of the Five-Percent Fairies? They’re the most amazing creatures. They’re little tiny sparkly beings with pointy ears and safety glasses that travel around in a magical flying pickup truck, sprinkling enchanted sawdust from the tailpipe onto your nearly-complete projects to miraculously finish them up, right when you are starting to get used to the idea of living with your unfinished project forever, or at least until the kids move out of the house.
Of course, I’ve never actually seen one. Nor have I had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of their work. But maybe the fairy by-laws are really strict, so if you stop your project at the wrong time — say, 6.0%, or 4.9% — they won’t help you out.
You know, now that I think of it, it’s possible they’re just wishful thinking.
Which is too bad, because all I have left to do is install 3 more balusters (because I didn’t order enough the first time around, so I had to wait for another shipment, and when it came they were the wrong color so I had to send them back and re-order new ones and wait for them again), cover up the pocket-holes with white plastic plugs (which I ordered “ship to store” but then forgot to pick them up in time and they put them back in stock and sold them so I had to order new ones and wait for them again and if they’re so popular that people buy my special order within 24 hours why don’t they just keep them in stock?), and do a little touch-up paint (I was waiting until the other two things are done, but really, I just don’t feel like doing touch-up paint).
That’s all. Three measly things. And now I have all the parts I need, but I’ve totally lost interest, just like you would have if I hadn’t made up all that bullshit about the Five-Percent Fairies.
You know what? Someone should start a business where all they do is that last five percent. Not me, because obviously nothing would ever get done, but I bet there’s somebody out there who LOVES the last five percent of a project. I mean, it’s usually the easy part, there’s very little thinking or planning involved, you probably already have the tools and supplies you need because the other 95% got done somehow, AND you get all the satisfaction (and credit!) of actually finishing a project even though somebody else did most of the work.
You know what would be a good name for that business? The Five-Percent Fairies. Look, I even gave you a business name for free. You should totally start this business.
Let me know when you’re up and running, because I’ve 95% of a porch railing with your name on it.